she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
