I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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