based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
