So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
