I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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