life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
