I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
