I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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