I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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