So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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