i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
