I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
