I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
