She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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