I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
