Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
