Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
