So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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