I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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