thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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