There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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