Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize