He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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