My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
