My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
