omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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