Just fell off a train. Bad.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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