I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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