Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
