i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
it was like eating out sand paper
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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