Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
