He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
