Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
