If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
