Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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