Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
