You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
