had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
