I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
