Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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