hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
sarcasm needs its own font
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
