If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
