im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
