Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
