i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
