Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
