I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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