i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
