that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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