I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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