he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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