And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
