I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
