Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize