Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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