evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
