Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
